Custard

custard

John knew that Janet was odd from their first date. They were eating Sunday lunch together in the Horse & Groom. They had both chosen a traditional Sunday roast. John realised that Janet was eating her meal one component at a time: all of the carrots, then all of the potatoes, then all of the beef, and so on, rather than a bit of each together. So he asked her why she did that.
“Oh, I couldn’t mix things up.”
“Why not? They all mix up in your stomach, anyway.”
“Well yes, but so do your dinner and your pudding. You wouldn’t have custard on your beef, and gravy on your spotted dick, would you?”
She had a point, he thought.

The following week, John overheard Janet’s end of a phone conversation, getting steadily more heated.
“I don’t want to.”
“I really don’t care: it’s nothing whatever to do with me.”
“You do as you please.”
“Just leave me alone!” Janet slammed the receiver into its cradle and growled under her breath.
John was curious “Ex-boyfriend?”
“No, my bloody Mother, still pestering me to attend her silver wedding anniversary bash.”
“Why don’t you want to go?”
“Cos I’m not interested.”
John was shocked “You’re not interested in your parents?”
“They’re my parents by accident of birth, nothing more. They don’t need me, I don’t need them.”

He’d been dating Janet for six weeks, when his mate Barry took him to one side in the pub.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll come straight out with it. Word on the street is Janet’s playing you for a fool.”

So John rang Janet “Is fidelity part of our relationship?”
“Certainly not” she snapped back.
“So it’s true: you’ve been shagging around.”
“No, I don’t shag around but if I fancy a shag and you’re not here, I use someone else.”
“You slut”.
“Why are you so upset? It makes no difference to how I feel about you. It doesn’t reduce our relationship in any way.”
“You’re fucking crazy!”
“No, not crazy, just more logical.”

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